RETIREMENT!!!!!
Grampa retired in late September and we hit the road almost immediately. Spent some time in Canada with Aidan and Kirsten and we got to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving (the same day as our Columbus Day) with them. They have a large family up there with lots of cousins on their daddy's side. It was great being with all of them. On the way home we spent a few days with some dear friends and then we spent a night in Colonial Williamsburg. Loving retirement so far!
Not long at home and we were off the Atlanta to celebrate Cecelia's 7th birthday. Great time. Got to take her and Savanna to American Girl and they each got to pick out a bitty baby doll. They have almost all of the American Girl dolls and recently began wanting to have the baby doll. Their nurturing sides are kicking in. It is really sweet. We had a wonderful time as always and of course we did something special with all 4 of them because the boys obviously weren't interested in American Girl stuff.
Before heading to NC for Thanksgiving and a semi family reunion we celebrated Ava's 9th birthday here in the area. Trip to NC was great and it was wonderful to see so many loved ones. We were home for just a short time and headed back to Canada for Aidan's 7th birthday. Since his birthday is just a couple weeks before Christmas, we stayed for the holidays. But we had to get back home in time for our Jacqueline's 7th birthday, which we did, arriving home on her big day!
We are now planning a trip to Atlanta in mid Feb for Savanna's 9th birthday. It's crazy but even though we were there in November and it will be just 3 months 'til we get to be with them again, it seems as though we haven't seen them in 6 or more months. But even with the 3 precious grandkids that live here, when we haven't seen them in a week, which is most unusual, it seems more like a month.
After our Feb trip we will be home until the April birthdays rounds! Little Liam, our youngest is one of the 3 close by so we will be here for his 2nd birthday, then down to Atlanta for Jordan's 6th and turn right around and head back to Canada for Kirsten's 6th.
Our goal this first year of retirement was to get to each one's birthday and after Kirsten's that will leave one more. Jack William will be 4 in September so, God willing, we will get down there for his and we will have made to each and every birthday!!!!
That being said, I am most happy to say that of late I have litterly been a "hands-on gramma"!
Next post will be about how all the grandkids are becoming more and more a part of our little family business, A. J. Jacks Clothing!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Gram-ma or Glam-ma?
The inspiration for this blog is two-fold:
First, an article in my local newspaper entitled "When Grandma Can't Be Bothered" (article below) about our generation of grandparents who have little, or no, interest in being with their grandchildren and second the inspiration from my own 8 precious grandchildren. Supposedly we are more about being "Glam-mas", with our careers and a life that simply does not revolve around our grandchildren.
Sorry, but I just cannot relate to this and I hope that many of you feel the same way.
Please join in and let me know what you think. Please take time to read the article below and my response.
Let me hear from you soon! Thanks for your input.
My letter to the editor as follows:
In response to the article in the family section of Wednesday, April 8 paper I ‘d like to give my 8-cents worth. You see I am a gram-ma (not a glam-ma) of 8 wonderful grandchildren, whom my husband and I of 36+ years not only adore and cherish but we actually know each and every one of them. You see, we spend as much time as we possibly can with them even though 4 of them live out of state and 2 of them even live out of the country. Being with our 3 children and their families is our priority. It is not boring or something we do out of obligation – it is pure joy! We are looking very forward to full retirement in a couple of years to spend even more time with them. Somehow I have to believe that we are not really in the minority – at least I hope not because there just isn’t any sweeter relationship than that between grandparent and grandchild who see each other enough, talk on the phone enough, skype with each other enough and vacation together enough to know each other.
You may be thinking that I obviously have no life outside of my children and grandchildren. Not true – I have several good friends (some of which, but not all, are doting grandmothers too!), a large extended and loving family, married to my best friend and oh yes – I own my own business. It is a family business, you see, and the name was derived from the first initials of each of my grandchildren – no surprise there, I’m sure!
Yes I am busy, I am active, I am involved in many hobbies and interests (check out my blog inspired by this article at www.handsongramma.blogspot.com) but everything I do or aspire to is motivated by my love for and desire to bless my family and hopefully leave behind some precious memories. It would be really nice to leave behind a thriving family business too!
WHEN GRANDMA CAN'T BE BOTHERED
This is the grandmother you wanted for your children �
Published: April 8, 2009
Section: Daily Break, page E3
Source: JOANNE KAUFMAN
© 2009- Landmark Communications Inc.
By Joanne Kaufman The New York Times
For every Marian Robinson, who retired from her job to take full-time care of her grandchildren, Malia and Sasha Obama, while their parents were busy with other things last year, there is a Judy Connors, who loves her two grandchildren but has no interest in Candy Land, peekaboo or bedtime stories.
"When I heard about the Obama grandmother, I thought I might like to move into the White House, too," said Connors, who is 67, "but I'd hire someone to look after the kids."
Her daughter, Catherine Connors, a 38-year-old writer in Toronto, is well aware of her mother's attitude. Whenever she hears about families in which the grandparents love to pitch in, she has only one thought: "This is so not my life."
It is not new for young mothers to be surprised and hurt, perhaps unjustifiably, at how little their own mothers rush over to baby-sit. Still, stories of intergenerational care like the ones coming from the White House can bring those feelings to the surface - and to a boil.
"There are some parents who probably don't have a realistic expectation of how invested their parents should be in the grandchildren," says Dr. Gail Saltz, a Manhattan psychiatrist. "But because this generation's children are the center of their universe, it's hard not to take the grandparents' 'why should I be bothered?' attitude personally."
On the Web site Urban Baby, complaints about uninvolved grandparents are a recurring theme, says Justine Reese, the site's senior product manager. They are also a theme among certain of Saltz's patients.
"This generation does the helicopter parenting so they're omni-available, omnipresent and omni-facilitating compared to the previous generation," says Saltz, who is the mental health correspondent for the "Today" show. "I often hear from grandparents that their children are overindulgent with time and attention."
Indeed, for some resentful, cash-strapped adult children, time and money are fungible commodities. For them, the attitude may be "give us the money and we'll understand that you have limited time," Saltz says.
Susan Shapiro Barash, who teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and Sarah Lawrence, says women with young children are looking for guidance from their mothers or mothers-in-law, but these days they are often looking in vain. (For whatever reason, they seem to have no such great expectation of their fathers or fathers-in-law.)
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, "feel they've put in their time," Barash says. "They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they're not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren."
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
As for Catherine Connors, before she had her first child, Emilia, three years ago, "My mother put me on notice. She told me she was not interested in baby-sitting. She said she'd come to visit but that she didn't like newborns."
True to her word, Judy Connors flew to Toronto from her home in British Columbia a week after her granddaughter's birth. "It was clear she was bored," her daughter says. "There was a lot of sitting in the living room while I struggled to figure out how to nurse. She said, 'I don't know why you don't just give her a bottle' and then repaired to the veranda for a cigarette."
The elder Connors, the retired director of a residential treatment program for adolescents, has a few words to say in her own defense.
"I raised two children whom I love dearly. I was a stay-at-home mom. Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there."
Many young parents, of course, complain of smothering attention from grandparents who won't leave them or their children alone. Lorraine R., 49, a lawyer in Teaneck, N.J., does not place herself in this category.
"My mother-in-law seemed supportive when we were going through in vitro," but after her twins were born four years ago, grandma "didn't offer to help. She didn't clean or cook a meal or change diapers." (Like some others interviewed for this article, Lorraine R. requested her full name not be used for fear of making a difficult family situation worse.)
Lorraine says that when she and her children visited her mother-in-law's swimming club, "She wanted to show everyone she had grandchildren, but then she sat as far away from the kiddie pool as she could. She has no idea what our kids are like or what they're interested in."
In these economic times, attitudes like that can have far greater consequences than hurt feelings. If a grandparent cannot or will not baby-sit for a working parent, day care or a nanny might be the only option, and it might be a financial hardship.
"It's very expensive here, but we stayed on Long Island to be near my parents," says a 43-year-old public relations consultant who lives in Syosset, N.Y., with her husband and three children, 7, 9 and 11. "My expectation was that my parents would be very hands-on."
That has not happened. Her parents, who are healthy and retired, live a mile away but keep their distance. "I'll see three generations of families on vacation or at Splish Splash," the Long Island water park, "and I'm amazed," this woman says. "I'm in awe that there are grandparents there with the grandchildren, because it hasn't been my experience."
There are many reasons grandparents choose to minimize their roles. Some "may be nervous about handling your newborn, but don't want to admit it," says Susan Newman, a psychologist who writes books about relationships and parenting. "They may not feel comfortable driving your precious cargo to a practice or a lesson."
Or they can simply have other priorities.
"A lot of these women are widows or divorcees and may be dating and want to put their romantic lives ahead of their grandchildren," says Barash, the gender studies teacher.
Judy Connors said her hands-off behavior "doesn't equate to not loving my grandchildren - it just means I have a life that doesn't revolve around them."
Connors is married for the third time, and she says her husband is exceedingly fond of his step-grandchildren.
"A couple of weeks ago he said to me, 'Don't you think it's time we saw them again?'
"And I said, 'Yeah - soon.'" By Joanne Kaufman
The New York Times
For every Marian Robinson, who retired from her job to take full-time care of her grandchildren, Malia and Sasha Obama, while their parents were busy with other things last year, there is a Judy Connors, who loves her two grandchildren but has no interest in Candy Land, peekaboo or bedtime stories.
"When I heard about the Obama grandmother, I thought I might like to move into the White House, too," said Connors, who is 67, "but I'd hire someone to look after the kids."
Her daughter, Catherine Connors, a 38-year-old writer in Toronto, is well aware of her mother's attitude. Whenever she hears about families in which the grandparents love to pitch in, she has only one thought: "This is so not my life."
It is not new for young mothers to be surprised and hurt, perhaps unjustifiably, at how little their own mothers rush over to baby-sit. Still, stories of intergenerational care like the ones coming from the White House can bring those feelings to the surface - and to a boil.
"There are some parents who probably don't have a realistic expectation of how invested their parents should be in the grandchildren," says Dr. Gail Saltz, a Manhattan psychiatrist. "But because this generation's children are the center of their universe, it's hard not to take the grandparents' 'why should I be bothered?' attitude personally."
On the Web site Urban Baby, complaints about uninvolved grandparents are a recurring theme, says Justine Reese, the site's senior product manager. They are also a theme among certain of Saltz's patients.
"This generation does the helicopter parenting so they're omni-available, omnipresent and omni-facilitating compared to the previous generation," says Saltz, who is the mental health correspondent for the "Today" show. "I often hear from grandparents that their children are overindulgent with time and attention." Indeed, for some resentful, cash-strapped adult children, time and money are fungible commodities. For them, the attitude may be "give us the money and we'll understand that you have limited time," Saltz says.
Susan Shapiro Barash, who teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and Sarah Lawrence, says women with young children are looking for guidance from their mothers or mothers-in-law, but these days they are often looking in vain. (For whatever reason, they seem to have no such great expectation of their fathers or fathers-in-law.)
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, "feel they've put in their time," Barash says. "They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they're not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren."
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
As for Catherine Connors, before she had her first child, Emilia, three years ago, "My mother put me on notice. She told me she was not interested in baby-sitting. She said she'd come to visit but that she didn't like newborns."
True to her word, Judy Connors flew to Toronto from her home in British Columbia a week after her granddaughter's birth. "It was clear she was bored," her daughter says. "There was a lot of sitting in the living room while I struggled to figure out how to nurse. She said, 'I don't know why you don't just give her a bottle' and then repaired to the veranda for a cigarette."
The elder Connors, the retired director of a residential treatment program for adolescents, has a few words to say in her own defense.
"I raised two children whom I love dearly. I was a stay-at-home mom. Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there."
Many young parents, of course, complain of smothering attention from grandparents who won't leave them or their children alone. Lorraine R., 49, a lawyer in Teaneck, N.J., does not place herself in this category.
"My mother-in-law seemed supportive when we were going through in vitro," but after her twins were born four years ago, grandma "didn't offer to help. She didn't clean or cook a meal or change diapers." (Like some others interviewed for this article, Lorraine R. requested her full name not be used for fear of making a difficult family situation worse.)
Lorraine says that when she and her children visited her mother-in-law's swimming club, "She wanted to show everyone she had grandchildren, but then she sat as far away from the kiddie pool as she could. She has no idea what our kids are like or what they're interested in."
In these economic times, attitudes like that can have far greater consequences than hurt feelings. If a grandparent cannot or will not baby-sit for a working parent, day care or a nanny might be the only option, and it might be a financial hardship.
"It's very expensive here, but we stayed on Long Island to be near my parents," says a 43-year-old public relations consultant who lives in Syosset, N.Y., with her husband and three children, 7, 9 and 11. "My expectation was that my parents would be very hands-on."
That has not happened. Her parents, who are healthy and retired, live a mile away but keep their distance. "I'll see three generations of families on vacation or at Splish Splash," the Long Island water park, "and I'm amazed," this woman says. "I'm in awe that there are grandparents there with the grandchildren, because it hasn't been my experience."
There are many reasons grandparents choose to minimize their roles. Some "may be nervous about handling your newborn, but don't want to admit it," says Susan Newman, a psychologist who writes books about relationships and parenting. "They may not feel comfortable driving your precious cargo to a practice or a lesson."
Or they can simply have other priorities.
"A lot of these women are widows or divorcees and may be dating and want to put their romantic lives ahead of their grandchildren," says Barash, the gender studies teacher.
Judy Connors said her hands-off behavior "doesn't equate to not loving my grandchildren - it just means I have a life that doesn't revolve around them."
Connors is married for the third time, and she says her husband is exceedingly fond of his step-grandchildren.
"A couple of weeks ago he said to me, 'Don't you think it's time we saw them again?'
"And I said, 'Yeah - soon.'"
First, an article in my local newspaper entitled "When Grandma Can't Be Bothered" (article below) about our generation of grandparents who have little, or no, interest in being with their grandchildren and second the inspiration from my own 8 precious grandchildren. Supposedly we are more about being "Glam-mas", with our careers and a life that simply does not revolve around our grandchildren.
Sorry, but I just cannot relate to this and I hope that many of you feel the same way.
Please join in and let me know what you think. Please take time to read the article below and my response.
Let me hear from you soon! Thanks for your input.
My letter to the editor as follows:
In response to the article in the family section of Wednesday, April 8 paper I ‘d like to give my 8-cents worth. You see I am a gram-ma (not a glam-ma) of 8 wonderful grandchildren, whom my husband and I of 36+ years not only adore and cherish but we actually know each and every one of them. You see, we spend as much time as we possibly can with them even though 4 of them live out of state and 2 of them even live out of the country. Being with our 3 children and their families is our priority. It is not boring or something we do out of obligation – it is pure joy! We are looking very forward to full retirement in a couple of years to spend even more time with them. Somehow I have to believe that we are not really in the minority – at least I hope not because there just isn’t any sweeter relationship than that between grandparent and grandchild who see each other enough, talk on the phone enough, skype with each other enough and vacation together enough to know each other.
You may be thinking that I obviously have no life outside of my children and grandchildren. Not true – I have several good friends (some of which, but not all, are doting grandmothers too!), a large extended and loving family, married to my best friend and oh yes – I own my own business. It is a family business, you see, and the name was derived from the first initials of each of my grandchildren – no surprise there, I’m sure!
Yes I am busy, I am active, I am involved in many hobbies and interests (check out my blog inspired by this article at www.handsongramma.blogspot.com) but everything I do or aspire to is motivated by my love for and desire to bless my family and hopefully leave behind some precious memories. It would be really nice to leave behind a thriving family business too!
WHEN GRANDMA CAN'T BE BOTHERED
This is the grandmother you wanted for your children �
Published: April 8, 2009
Section: Daily Break, page E3
Source: JOANNE KAUFMAN
© 2009- Landmark Communications Inc.
By Joanne Kaufman The New York Times
For every Marian Robinson, who retired from her job to take full-time care of her grandchildren, Malia and Sasha Obama, while their parents were busy with other things last year, there is a Judy Connors, who loves her two grandchildren but has no interest in Candy Land, peekaboo or bedtime stories.
"When I heard about the Obama grandmother, I thought I might like to move into the White House, too," said Connors, who is 67, "but I'd hire someone to look after the kids."
Her daughter, Catherine Connors, a 38-year-old writer in Toronto, is well aware of her mother's attitude. Whenever she hears about families in which the grandparents love to pitch in, she has only one thought: "This is so not my life."
It is not new for young mothers to be surprised and hurt, perhaps unjustifiably, at how little their own mothers rush over to baby-sit. Still, stories of intergenerational care like the ones coming from the White House can bring those feelings to the surface - and to a boil.
"There are some parents who probably don't have a realistic expectation of how invested their parents should be in the grandchildren," says Dr. Gail Saltz, a Manhattan psychiatrist. "But because this generation's children are the center of their universe, it's hard not to take the grandparents' 'why should I be bothered?' attitude personally."
On the Web site Urban Baby, complaints about uninvolved grandparents are a recurring theme, says Justine Reese, the site's senior product manager. They are also a theme among certain of Saltz's patients.
"This generation does the helicopter parenting so they're omni-available, omnipresent and omni-facilitating compared to the previous generation," says Saltz, who is the mental health correspondent for the "Today" show. "I often hear from grandparents that their children are overindulgent with time and attention."
Indeed, for some resentful, cash-strapped adult children, time and money are fungible commodities. For them, the attitude may be "give us the money and we'll understand that you have limited time," Saltz says.
Susan Shapiro Barash, who teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and Sarah Lawrence, says women with young children are looking for guidance from their mothers or mothers-in-law, but these days they are often looking in vain. (For whatever reason, they seem to have no such great expectation of their fathers or fathers-in-law.)
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, "feel they've put in their time," Barash says. "They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they're not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren."
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
As for Catherine Connors, before she had her first child, Emilia, three years ago, "My mother put me on notice. She told me she was not interested in baby-sitting. She said she'd come to visit but that she didn't like newborns."
True to her word, Judy Connors flew to Toronto from her home in British Columbia a week after her granddaughter's birth. "It was clear she was bored," her daughter says. "There was a lot of sitting in the living room while I struggled to figure out how to nurse. She said, 'I don't know why you don't just give her a bottle' and then repaired to the veranda for a cigarette."
The elder Connors, the retired director of a residential treatment program for adolescents, has a few words to say in her own defense.
"I raised two children whom I love dearly. I was a stay-at-home mom. Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there."
Many young parents, of course, complain of smothering attention from grandparents who won't leave them or their children alone. Lorraine R., 49, a lawyer in Teaneck, N.J., does not place herself in this category.
"My mother-in-law seemed supportive when we were going through in vitro," but after her twins were born four years ago, grandma "didn't offer to help. She didn't clean or cook a meal or change diapers." (Like some others interviewed for this article, Lorraine R. requested her full name not be used for fear of making a difficult family situation worse.)
Lorraine says that when she and her children visited her mother-in-law's swimming club, "She wanted to show everyone she had grandchildren, but then she sat as far away from the kiddie pool as she could. She has no idea what our kids are like or what they're interested in."
In these economic times, attitudes like that can have far greater consequences than hurt feelings. If a grandparent cannot or will not baby-sit for a working parent, day care or a nanny might be the only option, and it might be a financial hardship.
"It's very expensive here, but we stayed on Long Island to be near my parents," says a 43-year-old public relations consultant who lives in Syosset, N.Y., with her husband and three children, 7, 9 and 11. "My expectation was that my parents would be very hands-on."
That has not happened. Her parents, who are healthy and retired, live a mile away but keep their distance. "I'll see three generations of families on vacation or at Splish Splash," the Long Island water park, "and I'm amazed," this woman says. "I'm in awe that there are grandparents there with the grandchildren, because it hasn't been my experience."
There are many reasons grandparents choose to minimize their roles. Some "may be nervous about handling your newborn, but don't want to admit it," says Susan Newman, a psychologist who writes books about relationships and parenting. "They may not feel comfortable driving your precious cargo to a practice or a lesson."
Or they can simply have other priorities.
"A lot of these women are widows or divorcees and may be dating and want to put their romantic lives ahead of their grandchildren," says Barash, the gender studies teacher.
Judy Connors said her hands-off behavior "doesn't equate to not loving my grandchildren - it just means I have a life that doesn't revolve around them."
Connors is married for the third time, and she says her husband is exceedingly fond of his step-grandchildren.
"A couple of weeks ago he said to me, 'Don't you think it's time we saw them again?'
"And I said, 'Yeah - soon.'" By Joanne Kaufman
The New York Times
For every Marian Robinson, who retired from her job to take full-time care of her grandchildren, Malia and Sasha Obama, while their parents were busy with other things last year, there is a Judy Connors, who loves her two grandchildren but has no interest in Candy Land, peekaboo or bedtime stories.
"When I heard about the Obama grandmother, I thought I might like to move into the White House, too," said Connors, who is 67, "but I'd hire someone to look after the kids."
Her daughter, Catherine Connors, a 38-year-old writer in Toronto, is well aware of her mother's attitude. Whenever she hears about families in which the grandparents love to pitch in, she has only one thought: "This is so not my life."
It is not new for young mothers to be surprised and hurt, perhaps unjustifiably, at how little their own mothers rush over to baby-sit. Still, stories of intergenerational care like the ones coming from the White House can bring those feelings to the surface - and to a boil.
"There are some parents who probably don't have a realistic expectation of how invested their parents should be in the grandchildren," says Dr. Gail Saltz, a Manhattan psychiatrist. "But because this generation's children are the center of their universe, it's hard not to take the grandparents' 'why should I be bothered?' attitude personally."
On the Web site Urban Baby, complaints about uninvolved grandparents are a recurring theme, says Justine Reese, the site's senior product manager. They are also a theme among certain of Saltz's patients.
"This generation does the helicopter parenting so they're omni-available, omnipresent and omni-facilitating compared to the previous generation," says Saltz, who is the mental health correspondent for the "Today" show. "I often hear from grandparents that their children are overindulgent with time and attention." Indeed, for some resentful, cash-strapped adult children, time and money are fungible commodities. For them, the attitude may be "give us the money and we'll understand that you have limited time," Saltz says.
Susan Shapiro Barash, who teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and Sarah Lawrence, says women with young children are looking for guidance from their mothers or mothers-in-law, but these days they are often looking in vain. (For whatever reason, they seem to have no such great expectation of their fathers or fathers-in-law.)
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, "feel they've put in their time," Barash says. "They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they're not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren."
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
As for Catherine Connors, before she had her first child, Emilia, three years ago, "My mother put me on notice. She told me she was not interested in baby-sitting. She said she'd come to visit but that she didn't like newborns."
True to her word, Judy Connors flew to Toronto from her home in British Columbia a week after her granddaughter's birth. "It was clear she was bored," her daughter says. "There was a lot of sitting in the living room while I struggled to figure out how to nurse. She said, 'I don't know why you don't just give her a bottle' and then repaired to the veranda for a cigarette."
The elder Connors, the retired director of a residential treatment program for adolescents, has a few words to say in her own defense.
"I raised two children whom I love dearly. I was a stay-at-home mom. Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there."
Many young parents, of course, complain of smothering attention from grandparents who won't leave them or their children alone. Lorraine R., 49, a lawyer in Teaneck, N.J., does not place herself in this category.
"My mother-in-law seemed supportive when we were going through in vitro," but after her twins were born four years ago, grandma "didn't offer to help. She didn't clean or cook a meal or change diapers." (Like some others interviewed for this article, Lorraine R. requested her full name not be used for fear of making a difficult family situation worse.)
Lorraine says that when she and her children visited her mother-in-law's swimming club, "She wanted to show everyone she had grandchildren, but then she sat as far away from the kiddie pool as she could. She has no idea what our kids are like or what they're interested in."
In these economic times, attitudes like that can have far greater consequences than hurt feelings. If a grandparent cannot or will not baby-sit for a working parent, day care or a nanny might be the only option, and it might be a financial hardship.
"It's very expensive here, but we stayed on Long Island to be near my parents," says a 43-year-old public relations consultant who lives in Syosset, N.Y., with her husband and three children, 7, 9 and 11. "My expectation was that my parents would be very hands-on."
That has not happened. Her parents, who are healthy and retired, live a mile away but keep their distance. "I'll see three generations of families on vacation or at Splish Splash," the Long Island water park, "and I'm amazed," this woman says. "I'm in awe that there are grandparents there with the grandchildren, because it hasn't been my experience."
There are many reasons grandparents choose to minimize their roles. Some "may be nervous about handling your newborn, but don't want to admit it," says Susan Newman, a psychologist who writes books about relationships and parenting. "They may not feel comfortable driving your precious cargo to a practice or a lesson."
Or they can simply have other priorities.
"A lot of these women are widows or divorcees and may be dating and want to put their romantic lives ahead of their grandchildren," says Barash, the gender studies teacher.
Judy Connors said her hands-off behavior "doesn't equate to not loving my grandchildren - it just means I have a life that doesn't revolve around them."
Connors is married for the third time, and she says her husband is exceedingly fond of his step-grandchildren.
"A couple of weeks ago he said to me, 'Don't you think it's time we saw them again?'
"And I said, 'Yeah - soon.'"
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